Day 682 Monday November 19, 2018 909 Days to Go
Dear Eric Trump;
As your brother and father may be busy with other matters, perhaps legal in nature, it may fall to you “to cook the bird” this Thanksgiving. Here is a sure fire method. (Emphasis on “sure” and “fire.”) It never fails!
First – Get a deep fryer, propane tank, 5 gallons of oil (not 10W 40), a plump frozen turkey and do the following:
Locate the deep fryer on the living room carpet,
Fill the deep fry tank to the brim with oil,
Turn on the propane tank to full,
(make sure to attach the propane tank to the deep fryer before doing the above step! <- Pro Tip!!! )
Light the burner,
Place the deep fry tank on the burner,
(You may put it on the stand above the burner, before lighting <- Pro Tip #2 )
Wait for the oil to get really hot (if you have a thermometer look for a temp of 550 degrees or higher)
(Depending on your oil this may be when smoke begins to come off the top of the tank <- Pro Tip #3 )
Strip down to your underwear (tidy whiteys* like the old man wears when chasing women around the room are perfect.) (This way you won’t get grease on any of your clothes! <- Pro Tip #4 )
*Yes, I could have spelled it “Whities” good catch, but I figured you’re more familiar with the expression “Whitey” than the other.
Take the turkey out of the freezer, rinse it in warm water until the skin becomes slippery to the grasp.
Standing one foot length away from the tank of oil hold the turkey in both hands above your head straight arm and with as much force as you can muster hurl the turkey downward into the oil. Yell, “Bonsai**!”
** Which is the tree, while “Banzai” is the yell but so what?
Turkey is done when the smoke clears.
You are Welcome.
***Bryce Holliwell is a man of action and daring. Knowledgeable in all forms, and admired by those in the know. He is also the author’s Walter Middy alter ego.
PS The author will be back to the usual tomorrow.
909 Days to Go
PPS Bryce Holliwell about to do the dirty deed.